Review: The Unholy

Image courtesy of Screen Gems.

Anyone seeking an extra portion of ham this Easter weekend will be well served by "The Unholy," a ridiculous religious horror movie about a journalist who thinks he has broken the story of lifetime involving a young girl who can perform miracles through God, only to find that she's at the service of - you'll never guess who, I'll let the Church Lady give you a hint - Satan!

The film follows the story of Gerry Fenn (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), a disgraced journalist whose career tanked some years before after he got caught writing embellished stories. One might think after four years of MAGA shouts of "fake news," it might not be great to encourage further violence against the media, but here we are.

Yes, Gerry fits the bill perfectly for the sinner in need of a spiritual makeover - he's a heavy drinker, pretty shady and will do anything to get a story. In fact, we first meet him as he tries to convince a farmer to rearrange a scene after being sent on assignment to cover a story about satanic symbols seemingly being placed on cows, so that the story looks more legit. I'm not going to even bother to go into how unrealistic it is that Gerry would be getting paid $150 to do an out-of-town story on satanic symbols on cows by any respected news source. While there, he stumbles upon a creepy doll and smashes its head, which sets the events of the story in motion.

While driving one night, he nearly runs over a mute girl named Alice (Cricket Brown), who he follows to a tree, where she appears to be getting some sort of sign from beyond. It should be noted that the film's very first scene is set in 1845, and involves a woman - a witch, I'd imagine - being burned on that tree. Suddenly, Alice is able to talk, Gerry wants to get the exclusive on the story and the entire town begins calling upon Alice to perform miracles, thinking that the "Mary" who she claims is speaking through her is, you know, the virgin one.

An old priest named Father Hagan (William Sadler) who cares for Alice - he's her uncle - thinks things look too good to be true, and he warns Gerry in the words of Martin Luther that when God sets up a church, Satan sets up a chapel nearby. Sort of like how you often see hotels clumped together in otherwise vacant areas - you know, to catch the spillover. I digress.

A monsignor named Delgarde (Diogo Morgado) and a muckety muck from the Catholic church played by Cary Elwes - who is also seemingly possessed by a southerner and a Bostonian because his accent keeps switching back and forth between the two - show up to assess the situation. Delgarde's specialty is apparently disproving miracles because I'm sure the Catholic church pays for such things. 

Even more useful to Gerry is Dr. Natalie Gates (Katie Aselton), a local doctor who often speaks to Alice via sign language (that is, before she regains her speech) and can seemingly translate Latin. That's helpful when Gerry stumbles upon diaries written in the dead language, and Dr. Natalie is able to give him all sorts of warnings about the evil presence in town. She can really do it all. I'm guessing Dr. Natalie is a general practitioner. 

If the film's plot is ridiculous, then its execution is even more so. The film features what has to be the least convincing scene ever made of two people bursting through a door and landing on the pavement. It also includes a scene in which a man is killed by a slowly falling burning cross that probably could have been avoided by anyone under the age of 85. The man killed was likely in his 30s.

There are a few decent jump scares in "The Unholy," although it features the type of repetitiveness often scene in horror films of this type. For example, every night Gerry returns to his hotel and, like clockwork, a spectral presence appears to linger behind him as he makes his way to his room. Also, statues in the town's church continuously bleed from the eyes, but only when no one is around to notice, which seems to defeat the purpose.

Regardless, "The Unholy" is not particularly good. There have been so many movies of this type that, at this point, one would need to do something drastic to distinguish itself. This one doesn't. As such, it's merely a silly entry into an exhausted subgenre.