Review: Fantasy Island

Image courtesy of Columbia Pictures.

In Blumhouse's reboot of "Fantasy Island," which is based on the TV show that ran from the late 1970s to mid 1980s, visitors on a magical island run by a mysterious man named Mr. Roarke (Michael Pena) get to have one wish that materializes during their stay. While watching the film, my own fantasy involved a refund and two hours of my time back.

This is a rehash that was craved by, most likely, no one. For starters, the original show was more of a fantasy TV drama, while this latest is somewhat of a horror movie - but one that includes a fair amount of gun play, war combat scenes, schmaltzy romance and a character being attacked by sea snakes.

As the picture opens, a group of guests - Melanie (Lucy Hale), whose fantasy involves revenge against school bully Sonja (Portia Doubleday); Elena (Maggie Q), who turned down a marriage proposal and has regretted it ever since; Randall (Austin Stowell), a cop who always wanted to be a soldier but never got the chance; and brothers Bradley (Ryan Hansen) and Brax (Jimmy O. Yang), two hornballs, one straight and one gay, who are just there to party - arrive on the island and are greeted by Roarke, who claims he can make each of their fantasies come true, but with a caveat: they must allow the fantasy to play out in its natural course.

Of course, this turns out to provide a "Monkey's Paw" type of lesson - be careful what you wish for. Before you know it, each of the characters find themselves in over their heads, all the while being pursued by zombie-like figures, armed men wearing masks, cloned versions of themselves and, yes, sea snakes. None of this particularly scary. It makes even less sense that I've described it.

The film was directed by Jeff Wadlow, whose previous horror venture was "Truth or Dare," of which I was also not a fan. Similar to that film, "Fantasy Island" goes long on the jump scares and things lurking in the shadows, but shorts the audience on genuine suspense. There's some character development to be had, but it's primarily to serve the purpose of the plot twist that comes near the film's end that ties together how the various characters came to find themselves in the island.

"Sonic the Hedgehog," which was also released this week but is unseen by me, has been mostly getting panned left and right, and yet "Fantasy Island" somehow manages to be the more desperate attempt this weekend to cash in on a previous entity.

On the original show, the character named Tattoo was often known to shout "de-plane, de-plane," referencing the aircraft that brought visitors to the titular place. In the case of this new film, you might want to deplane - as in, disembark while you still can - before you reach the theater.